Journey to 30: My Healing and Renewed Life Dreams
August 29, 2017
As I enter a new chapter of my life (I’ll be 30 years old in a few weeks!), I realised how much challenges I went through and overcame that allowed me to mature. That kind of maturity that is enough to fill my maturity tank until my 40ish. Hehe.
I actually don’t feel old. For me, it is just a number of my years here on earth. I feel that I am just about to start my 25th year. Hehe. Feeling young!
My life has been an open book to a lot of people. From a happy but somewhat crazy childhood, to my struggles due to poverty, until the story on how I was able to breakthrough with the help of mentors, gut-feels and alignment with God’s timing and favor. But, I am not always like that.
To some, I may look like a successful kid on the block – someone to look up to and to emulate but they did not know that just like them, I am also a human being — just afraid to show my true colours. I feared the loss of respect from others and sense of control that I had been projecting all these years. Deep inside I had a lot of pain, fears and insecurities that were bottled up. It actually exploded and I was left at the rock bottom with dark clouds, confusion, depression, etc. Name it, I might have experienced it.
I kept it because I didn’t know how to explain it since I also didn’t understand it during those years. I’m just so blessed to have friends and mentors who journeyed with me towards my healing.
In my rock bottom, I seek to understand and be understood. I am blessed to have that seed of faith planted in me by my spirituality. I had this assurance that beyond that dark tunnel of depression, there is hope. This quote by Hail Lindsey, struck a chord in me:
Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air…but only for one second without hope.”
Those times were not easy. I always asked these questions, “Why me?”, “What did I do wrong?”, “Were my service to you not enough, Lord?” I was lost and baffled.
This experience made me see how deep I am. That kind of deep that is actually longing for God’s love and assurance. It was very painful that every day in those years, I was tempted to give in. I was filled with doubts and felt like I am in a tough mental battle everyday. Little by little, I started drawing towards God. I realised how I had actually forgotten about him because I was busy with my life. I was busy pleasing people around me, I was busy reaching for my big dreams and I was busy making a name for myself. Then, it was His name that I have actually forgotten about.
Good thing, I did not give in. I held on to God’s promise of healing. Praise God for it was granted to me. It may not be through an instant miraculous way but through people as God’s messenger, through wisdom that I will bring with me until I grow old, and through time for it taught me to have a lot of trust in the process that I was in.
As my 30th year on earth is approaching, I have renewed my life dreams — big dreams that I feel are aligned with what God wants me to be and have. Before, my dreams were just the usual things that I “copied” from what I see from the people around me. It left me empty and disconnected. It was not me. But my rock bottom experience let me see my real value in God’s eyes and what I am capable of doing. Now, I see myself spending more time at home, taking care of the needs of my husband, Don, while nurturing our 2 year old son, Francis. I see myself fulfilling my service to the community as a Health Coach and still share the value of supplementation through our Usana business. I see involvement in helping advocate the improvement of our food supply from (organic) farm to table, sustainability of our environment for the next generation, and a lot more! I’ll also be blogging about a lot of things like mental health, switching to healthier lifestyle, marriage, finance, leadership and entrepreneurship. I will be sharing wisdom that I gained through my experiences and of course from my life mentors. I see myself giving talks/seminars/workshops – I just don’t know how and where but we will get there! These things excite me these days! Can you feel it?
I guess that my more relaxed and trusting attitude led me to the deeper parts of me which I am already surrendering to our Lord, Jesus Christ. I just feel my rebirth. This is my second life. All those years of struggle may have left me a lot of battle scars but these things will always remind me of how I am as a warrior. If you are in a lot of tension right now my dear friend, don’t give in. I am telling you now, you maybe in a storm that doesn’t seem to go away, but God gave us a promise through a rainbow (Genesis 9:16). Hold on to this thought — There is a rainbow after the rain.
Praying for you,